Older and Wiser

Birthdays have a way of making us reflect and look forward in the same moment.  That’s what I am going to write about today – what I’ve learned in the past year and what I hope I will refine over the one to come.  

For a long time, I thought being a good person meant being endlessly available. Saying yes. Carrying everything. Taking care of everyone else first and convincing myself that eventually there would be time left over for me too. Like a lot of women, I got very good at functioning while exhausted.  Somewhere along the way, we started calling that “resilience.” I actually hate that word. To me it means “quietly run yourself into the ground while you pretend you’re great.”

Women are praised for how much they can tolerate, how much they can carry, and how well they can continue performing even when they’re completely depleted. We celebrate people for pushing through stress, burnout, overwhelm, grief, exhaustion — as though this is somehow a personality strength.

I don’t think that anymore – I now see that (at least for me) stress builds up, burnout accumulates, and resentment grows.

This year, I actually said “no” and drew a line in the sand professionally.  It was uncomfortable and I thought it might the end of my academic career.  But it wasn’t.  What did happen is that I gained some breathing space and was able to focus on the areas I wanted to devote time and energy to.   I gave myself permission to not sacrifice myself for the convenience of others. Ironically, it’s been the best year for my career growth that I can recall – I presented at a national conference, was on multiple publications, and have big things in the pipeline. I also opened Laima. A practice I’ve been thinking about and conceptualizing for years.

Today I’m taking a moment to pause and feel thankful. For every lesson, every challenge, every person who has walked beside me, and for the chance to keep growing into someone who is healthier not just physically, but emotionally too. At 51, I am older and definitely wiser. I think I am also doing things more intentionally and more thoughtfully. I can’t wait to see what is ahead for all of us.

-Lori